MOMents

I've been sitting at my computer for the better part of an hour trying to write this post.  And sure, it sounds super cliche, and maybe it is super cliche, but I really don't know how to capture what it is to be a Mom.  It's Mother's Day, and I'm feeling the need to be all profound and deep...but also ridiculously simple and basic.  

When I was younger, I loved to watch awards shows.  Grammys, Oscars, you name it.  The end of year countdown lists were also a favorite; top videos of the year, top news stories.  Then I got to a point where it was too overwhelming because there were so many, and it seemed that every station had a different list.  I went from "gotta watch 'em all" to "can't even look at one."  That's how I feel right now trying to write about my Mom and my own experiences in Motherhood.  It's almost too much.

One of my very first blog posts ever was on this topic.  I reread it just the other day, hoping for some extra inspiration.  Not that I need extra, really.  I mean...my Mom is pretty fantastic, and being a Mom is also pretty fantastic.  There's plenty of inspiration there.

I love to read blog posts by other Moms about issues they face with their families.  My friend Sarah shared one called "Whack A Mole" that had me nearly crying with laughter.  Funny thing is, I find myself shying away from addressing similar issues because I fear I'll come across as whiny, or worse...like I don't love my daughter.  Glennon didn't sound like that.  Her post is hilarious---read for yourself--and I found myself nodding in agreement several times as I read it.  Bet you did, too.  I don't even have three kids, but I could totally relate to several points she illustrated with brilliant humor. 


The thing is, Motherhood is a whole book of adjectives and emotions.  And usually in the span of 30 minutes, too.  We can go from loving our kids so intensely it makes us want to cry to being ready to send them to the moon all during a single episode of Doc McStuffins.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  On a short, 4 minute drive to the grocery store, you can have a very tender exchange with the little munchkin sitting behind you in the car seat as well as a moment where you think (just for a second, and not really) about trading her in for the week's groceries.

As Moms, we all have our moments.  The shining example moments in which we handle everything perfectly, and the less than stellar moments where we scrape by by the skin of our teeth (and I bet we have more of the latter than we do the former, even if we like to think it's the other way around).  Like most of life, it's about balance....not getting too high on the highs or low on the lows.  Easier said than done, I know.  Believe me, I know.

I am the Mom who got so frustrated with her daughter during a morning drop off, that I left without our kiss and trademark goodbye phrase.  I simply buckled her into the car seat in my Mom's car, closed the door and drove away in my own car.  I cried the entire way to work, feeling like the biggest jerk.  I called her when I got to the office and she answered the phone with a small voice.  "Mama, why'd you walk away?" she asked.  I picked up the shattered pieces of my heart, and told her how sorry I was that I didn't handle my frustrations properly.  "It's okay, " she said to me.  "I'm having breakfast now and I'm making you some artwork for your office when I'm done."  Clearly, the wound was deeper on my end; she was already moving on and seemingly unaffected.  Which, somehow, breaks my heart even more.




I'm also the Mom whose favorite moments with my daughter are those in which we're apologizing to one another.  It may sound absurd, but it's so beautiful to me to have those real, honest, intimate conversations about what we did that wasn't right/nice/kind/fair/appropriate and how we can handle it next time.  There's a bonding that takes place that I would not trade for anything.  It's also a huge relief to find the beautiful out of the less than.  Slam the door and walk away.....sit down and discuss it and pledge to be/do better.  Yell at her for something minor...hold her in my lap and tell her that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, but we learn from them.  She doesn't want a perfect Mom.  She wants me.  Warts and all.  And that is the very core of unconditional love, isn't it?


There are those fundamental, basic Mom moments--getting yourself and a kiddo ready to leave the house in the morning.  The simple every day moments of baths, meals, tying shoes, helping with reading.  There are hundreds of those moments before 8am most days.  We can go through the motions without even realizing what we're doing; car seat buckled, backpack packed, school project tucked inside carefully, book order signed, check enclosed, hair brushed, show & tell treasure selected....

And then there are the kind of Mom moments that blanket you in a feeling of maternal instinct so strong it's palpable.  Moments like registering her for school.  Did we really just do that?  Did we really investigate multiple options, make a sound choice and share the care of our child with others?  Yes, we did.  Of course we did.  Moments like gathering my entire family during my Grandfather's funeral and sharing how we explained things to almost three year old Abby and asking them to be on the same page.  Did I really, in the midst of our own grief, make sure that Abby was protected?  Did I make others see me as a Mom, not "just Amy" in that moment?  Yes, I did.  Of course I did.  Moments like explaining death yet again just this past month when Abby's teacher suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  Did I make every effort to strike the balance between showing her my emotions and being strong enough to absorb hers?  Did I trust my gut and take her to the viewing, believing that we would be able to help her through any questions, reactions and observations?  Yes, I did. Of course I did.  I'm a Mom....it comes with the territory.  It can't be--and I wouldn't want it to be--all popsicles, princesses and tutus.  
 
When I was pregnant with Abby, someone told me (and God bless do I remember who, because I would love to give credit where it's due) that everything is a phase; it'll all end.  The good and the bad, it's all fleeting.  At the time, like most pieces of advice, it didn't register.  But now?  I find myself sharing it with anyone who will listen.

It's about staying present---because the moments can change on a dime.  There was a night when Abby was just a few weeks old.  She was crying and crying and crying and crying. We had 4 or 5 books out on the bed, all shouting solutions at us from the pages.  We had her swing in our room, her bouncy seat, her bassinet...nothing was working to calm this child down.  Nothing.  We were tired, frustrated and feeling totally lost.  And then, she stopped...I don't know when, or how, or what the trick was, but the point is, she stopped.  In that moment, I honestly believed she would never stop.  Now, I cannot even tell you exactly how old she was when she did that. 

I don't remember exactly when she slept through the night or the last time she sucked 2 fingers instead of her thumb.  I don't know the specific last day she wore a diaper and I can't remember when we took away bottles for sippy cups and then sippy cups for tidal wave cups (you know--the ones that hold 2 ounces of milk, until they spill, and then somehow it's a tidal wave of 200 ounces!?).  These things simply happen---at least, as I think about them now.  But in the moment, they seemed as impossible as catching the moon in a jar.



As I type, she's still upstairs, fast asleep, laying horizontally across her big girl bed.  And Sprout is kicking like crazy, probably asking for breakfast.  This is a moment to be present.  This is the last Mother's Day I will celebrate with only one child.  I want to pause, to soak this in.  To think about what it means to be creating this life inside of me, and marvel at the life that is my sleeping child upstairs.  To know this child before I meet him or her, and to know, without a doubt, that he or she is loved beyond words.  And yes, I'm quite certain there will also be moments where I'll want to send Sprout to live with gypsies.  That's all part of being a Mom, right?!

I could keep writing---now that I've started!!---but I was just paged from upstairs.  "Moooommmmmyyyyy, come on up.  We have presents for you."  And, after a long pause, "Can we go to McDonald's for breakfast?  That's where I'd go it if was my Mother's Day."  So if you'll excuse me, I have presents to open and shoes to tie and hair to brush and wipes to pack for the inevitable syrup-covered face that I will kiss so many times today I'll lose count.  Today, it's about recommitting myself to enjoying all of the MOMents....the good, the bad, and the ugly...and yes, the sticky!