Mixed Messages

Earlier this month, I wrote of mixed emotions. Today, it’s mixed messages.  I remember being in high school, standing in line at the grocery store with my Mom, my eyes scanning the covers of the magazines in the racks.  The headlines seemed to fight with each other, urging the reader to “Find 10 Ways to Lose 10lbs in a Week, page 25” while simultaneously suggesting they should make “The World’s Most Decadent Chocolate Cake, page 44.”  Huh?  Do you think those things seem to cancel one another out---or is it just me?  “Train to Run a Marathon, page 36” followed by “How to Embrace Relaxation, page 68.”  Makes.  No.  Sense.

So it’s really no wonder that I feel that very same push and pull now.  Especially now. 

Work hard, move ahead.  Take it easy, there’s no prize for being overworked and frazzled. 

Spend time with your kids.  Give them space to do their own thing. 

Stay busy, keep yourself and your kids entertained.  Be lazy, do nothing—every now and then. 

The moments fly by.  The days can sometimes seem so long. 

Don’t lose your cool.  Be human, lose your cool--and then apologize. 

Make time for yourself and your needs—self-care.  Don’t be selfish.

Don’t ask too much of your kids, they’re just kids.  Create and provide opportunities for your kids to embrace and learn independence. 

Give them a break.  Give them consequences. 

Encourage your older child to include your younger child.  Encourage your younger child to be okay with not being included all the time. 

Send them to Nunnie’s for a sleepover.  Keep them home, you don’t see them enough as it is. 

My.  Head.  Is.  Spinning.  Truly and maddeningly, my head is spinning from the competing messages that are swirling around.  Now, I know that all these mixed messages are not “all or nothing” scenarios, right?  They’re not black and white, not one or the other always.  Yet sometimes, in the moment, they feel very much like they are.  Like I’m forced to make a choice and that choice is going to stick---maybe longer than I want it to. 

Saying yes to one sleepover at Nunnie’s doesn’t mean the girls are there every single weekend forever.  It means this time, this weekend, this invitation---just this one.  For now.  And the next one that comes? We’ll address that one then.  In its own time.  Oh, and by the way---they won’t always want to go, my parents won’t always be up for sleepovers and having 1x1 time with Mark sans kids every now and again is every single bit as important as hanging out as a family.  Facts.  Which only seem to muddy the waters more.  I want to send them.  I want to not send them.  Oye.

It’s the same at work, too.  Moments of confidence and satisfaction bleed into moments where Imposter Syndrome weighs me down like an anchor. 

Be patient, do the right things—it will come.  Hurry up, do more, what have you done lately, where are the results? 

Give yourself and your Team grace, these are challenging times.  Keep innovating, what’s new, what’s next?

Today’s work will bring tomorrow’s results.  There’s no time to wait, make things happen.

You’re too hard on yourself.  You’re not hard enough on yourself.

You are enough.  You are falling short, Aim.

I want to stay at my desk, super focused on my work but I also want to step away to pick up my daughters from the bus stop.  Isn’t that one of the best things about working from home, anyway?  The ability to take 7 minutes to walk or drive up to the bus stop so yours can be the first face they see when they get off the bus? 

Think about it—if I was in the office, I would likely spend far more than 7 minutes in a day chatting with a colleague about vacations or the latest episode of whatever show is all the rage.  Right?  And yet, too many times, when that hour rolls around, I don’t stop what I’m doing---because that push and pull tells me that I have to work hard—which, shamefully I have equated to not taking a break.  Ridiculous.  And my girls rank second to that?  Not a chance.  Yet my actions say otherwise. 

After a crazy long day—either in the office or at home—sometimes I struggle to switch gears and find the energy to be all the things my kids need.  It’s as if all my needing has been used up by everyone else.  How unfair is that?  That the girls and Mark should get what’s left of me, versus the best of me?  Shameful.  But it’s real.  And sometimes I tell myself that it’s okay that they’re playing together or reading quietly---that I am not solely responsible for their entertainment.  But why not save some energy to make dinnertime a little more fun (especially on those magical nights when we can eat together as a family!) and turn the family room into a spa or the living room into a dance club.  The push and pull shows up—telling me to make sure they do their chores, practice soccer, get homework done and get showers….but isn’t there---shouldn’t there be---room for both? 

Chill out when you’re done working, Amy.  Nope, keep the energy up and switch from Work Mode to Mom Mode in 10 seconds or less.

Take time for yourself at the end of the day.  Nope, the girls and Mark need you, so step up!

It’s January 27—we have 4 more days in No Spenduary.  You know the drill; we start off the year with a full month of no spending.  We pay our bills, buy groceries and gas.  Nothing extra.  It’s totally normal to be weary at this point of the adventure.  We haven’t eaten out---even when there are awesome report cards and half birthdays to celebrate.  We haven’t gone shopping, not even online.  It’s a great experiment, and it is entirely self-imposed.  And yet, the push and pull.  If we’re the ones making the rules, does it really matter if we bend them?  I mean, no one told us we had to do this---so no one can tell us we’re “wrong” or tell us we broke the rules.  Yes, integrity, commitment, accountability and all that.  Yes. 

Also yes?  Having a spur of the moment drive thru Starbucks because you have a few extra minutes of 1x1 time with your kiddo and you love the sparkle in her eye and the ear-to-ear smile she gets when she takes that first sip of a frappuccino.  Or popping into Target after soccer practice to glimpse springy things, maybe pick up a little treat and momentarily chase away the winter blahs.  

Stubbornness be damned—live for the moments, create joy and embrace spontaneity.  

Stick with your plan, the commitment you made.  Your wallet will thank you.  

Push.  Pull.

Don’t even get me started on the pandemic aspect of the push and pull.  Add that to the list, the long and complicated list of back and forth-ing that happens in my mind and on my heart.  Feeling waves of uncertainty—not only in what’s happening…that we can’t exactly control…but in terms of what I should do at any given moment.  That’s where the true pit in the stomach, lump in the throat emotion of it all rests, heavy and present.  Very present.

I’m certain that I’m not the only overthinker in the bunch.  Raise your hand if you also feel the push and pull of mixed messages.  It’s real, isn’t it?  Just when I think I’ve got the hang of not overthinking, I start to overthink whether or not I really do have it figured out.  And I’m right back where I started.  That's fun.

There may not be a CTRL-ALT-DEL sequence of keys to restart our brains the way we would a computer, but there are keys nevertheless.  Here are a couple that I’ve found:

1.      1.  Talk to a friend who gets you, gets your particular brand of crazy and helps redirect you.  Be open to what that friend is going to tell you, because chances are it will feel a bit impossible to your overthinking brain.

2.      2.  Quickly, without thinking (ha!) much, jot down 3-5 things for which you’re grateful or that bring you joy.  Read the list a handful of times, really feeling the joy that each item on the list evokes.  Feel it.  Remember it.  Let it overwhelm you---in a good way.

3.      3.  Set a goal of creating at least one joyful moment today.  Big, small, solo or with others—what matters most is that you embrace the sense of joyfulness.

4.      4.  Remind yourself that you don’t have to pay attention to all of the messages.  Give yourself permission to focus only on what serves you and tune out the rest.

5.      5.  Take a break.  A real, honest to goodness, do nothing, think nothing break.  And realize that the world will still spin while you press pause and give yourself the gift of resetting.  Realize, too, that you do and are more than enough and should give yourself a little more credit than you do!

If you’ve found your own keys, please share.  In the meantime, know that you’re not alone, Friend.  The push and pull is real---but so is the power of community and friendship and connected energy that’s directed the right way.  Deep breaths.

xo,
Amy

Mixed Emotions

I think this will be a Christmas I reflect on with mixed emotions.  Last year was The COVID Christmas.  We knew what to expect without ever having done anything quite like it before.  We knew we couldn’t be together with family and friends, we knew we had to rely on FaceTime to offer a blessing and a toast.  We just knew.  We didn’t like it, but we knew.  We buckled down and did The Right Thing

Then came Christmas 2021.  Somehow this year seemed harder and more uncertain.  The rules—fluid all the while---seemed even more arbitrary and our resolve was waning big time.  We gathered with guarded joy in our hearts.  Our hugs, fierce and tight also felt a bit inappropriate or "dangerous."  There was laughter and singing and the brave return of traditions that had been put on hold or at least altered.  Still, concerns over a new variant, another surge and breakthrough cases lurked and chewed at our consciousness.  Had The Right Thing been enough?  Are our vaccines and boosters enough?  Did we stay in enough—and did we go out enough, determined to create some sense of normal without being reckless.

There was a hard conversation about church.  We’ve not been to church in some time—something that I’m both ashamed to admit and sad to say.  Church is an important part of our family.  We may not be the most religious people, we might be hard pressed to quote scripture or properly place a chapter and verse, but we have faith and find great comfort and peace when we attend services.  We chose not to attend Christmas Eve service as we’ve done for years.  It simply didn’t feel safe.  Another example of the COVID tug-of-war.  There’s guilt over not going to church.  On Christmas Eve!  Then there’s the  confidence that we were making our best decision.  I believe that God is always listening and God understands.  I carved out time during Christmas Eve to have a heart-to-heart with God, and felt that familiar peace and comfort.  He understands. 

Yes, this is a Christmas of mixed emotions—not all of which were COVID-related.  Slippers & Sprinkles returned-for Alyssa (Abby politely declined), we finally got matching family jammies-Abby's request!! and somehow we ended up having F O U R trees in our house!  Lots of mixed emotions about that.

This was the first Christmas that Abby was fully in the know.  I wrote, last year, about being certain that Abby was playing a game of Santa Chicken with me. Did she know?  Did I know that she knew?  Did she know that I knew that she knew?  Regardless, 2021 was the year that Abby became a Magic Maker.

Abby embraced her new role with pride and enthusiasm—and a sweetness that made my Mama heart nearly burst.  She carefully plotted antics and hiding spots for Ozzie the Elf, shot conspiratorial winks and flashed thumbs up my way when I pulled off some sort of magical moment of my own and even convinced Alyssa to join Santa for a Zoom call by plunking herself down on the bench first.  Watching her joy took the sting out of the inescapable reality that she’s growing up.  Watching her delight in creating Christmas excitement for Alyssa was better than any gift under the tree or in a stocking.

This was the last Christmas we’ll spend at 4619—my parents’ home.  The home we moved into on a first day of school (what were they thinking!?), the home that was my base during tumultuous high school years, college breaks and when I moved home from North Carolina.  That home even became a place for Mark and I to stay while our own home was being built—what an adventure!  My parents are embarking on a new adventure, building another home just a few miles away.  So there were no arguments about staying just a little longer, there were a few extra pictures taken with the tree and longer than normal moments lingering in the dining room.  Leave the thing, take the memory.  Tucked firmly in my heart, the memories are forever—even when someone else calls that house home.

Christmas of 2021 also brought a much needed, self-prescribed Facebook Fast.  Not only did I take days off of work, but I took days off of social media as well.  It was heavenly.  To those who shared birthdays, anniversaries or other milestones I missed during that time, failing to comment on or like the post, may I please send a heartfelt wish of peace and love now---however belated it may be.      

Comparison is the thief of joy; I’m not sure who said that, originally, but I lean on those words pretty often.  It’s far too easy to get sucked into the trap of comparing yourself to others—and no matter if you feel like you’re on the top or the bottom of that assessment, it’s never fun, it never feels good.

So no, I didn’t post 284938490 pictures of Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas Day.  I took them, to be sure—many with my phone and just as many if not more with my heart.  Sure, that sounds cliché or corny, but it’s the truth.  As someone who really struggles with the holidays, I’ve learned that staying present and focusing on what’s happening at the moment helps a lot.  Watching, listening, letting go of expectations---that helps, too.  Sets a good example for the girls, too.  Especially on December 24 and 25, nothing else matters more than being fully present with and for them.

The New Year is just days new, and the mixed emotions of Christmas are lingering.  There are familiar pangs of sadness when I consider how quickly time is going, and there are hopeful glimpses of what can be in a brand new set of 365 days.  There’s quiet reflection on goals accomplished (and not) in 2021 and bubbly conversation about what we’ll tackle in 2022.  Maybe mixed emotions aren’t something to worry about, but something to embrace and own.  Or maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to have mixed emotions about mixed emotions.

Either way, my wish is that your mix of emotions includes plenty of the good stuff.  Not only during the holidays, but throughout the entire new year ahead.

xo,
Amy

365

I was in a fairly steady groove there for a while, posting every Monday, back in a routine.  And then….well, I’m not exactly sure what happened.  But it’s been a month—a month!?  Yep!  I’ve been here before, that place where a post takes up lots of space in my heart and mind, not quite finding its way to the page (er, screen).  I mentally edit it, revising the thoughts as they take shape in between thoughts and the busyness of any given day.  Carefully selecting words as I walk up to the bus stop.  Reordering paragraphs while sitting in traffic.  Still, it remains stuck.  Changing but not moving forward. 

As has been the case previously, something comes along and jars it all loose and words start tumbling out in a less than orderly way. It’s a bit like dumping the pieces of a puzzle onto a table—you know what it’s going to look like in the end, so you set about flipping them all right side up, gathering the edge pieces and start assembling. 

Perhaps there’s something subconscious here. Maybe I’m avoiding this post because giving weight and power to the words makes them all the more real.  Whether written or not, it is an undeniable and forceful truth.  We are rapidly (arguably, of course) approaching the one year mark of the start of this pandemic.  There are a handful of dates one could use as Day #1, right?  Is it the day you first heard the words Corona Virus or COVID-19?  Is it the day the first case was discovered in the US? Is it the date the first case was discovered in your state?  

Day #1--and so Day #365—in my mind is Friday, March 13.  Oh the irony--most assuredly not lost.  Friday the 13^th—the day 2020 threw its head back, mouth agape and emitted a villainous laugh.  There’s really nothing funny about this at all.  One year later. One very long, tumultuous, frustrating, painful, sad, heavy year.  Silver linings?  Yes.  Humor?  No, not really.

A succession of three songs on my playlist jarred all the thoughts loose and organized them into something more than a random scatter of ideas. The first song, “Dear Younger Me” sent my thoughts to March of last year.  There’s a lyric in the song; “Even though I love this crazy life, Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride.”  Who can’t relate to that sentiment?  In so many ways, life is really, really good.  Simultaneously, life is really, really challenging.  I know I don’t need to recount the multitude of ways that life has turned upside down for each and every one of us throughout the last 12 months.  Undoubtedly we each have our own version of “upside down” and some of us have seen multiple variations of “upside down” since this all started.  We grappled with contradictory messages, tangled emotions and an inexplicable combination of not enough to do and too much time.  Raise your hand if you wished for a smoother ride at some point since the pandemic began.  

 The second song, “Into the Sea (It’s Gonna Be Okay)” includes the following; “My heart is breaking, in a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing with the question, “Are you still good?”    I know she’s posing the question to God, but as I hear the lyric, I find myself asking if I’m still good.  Am I okay?  Have I redefined what it means to be okay, lowering the bar so that I meet the newly-defined threshold?  Okay used to mean so much more.  Now it seems like being okay is making it through a day without breaking down more than once.  Hollow victory, huh?  Are we allowed to be okay when so many are not?  What warped logic encourages us to keep quiet about being okay, knowing that there is often so little we can do to help others be okay.  There have been many moments in which I feel as if I’m trying to drain the ocean with a spoon.  That whatever I’m doing to add positivity or value or happiness is so minor and insignificant.  Yet we, I, plug along, figuring that it has to add up, right?  It has to. 

As if those two songs weren’t enough, a third song followed, offering yet more insight and clarity.  Lauren Daigle, “Rescue.” This one brought into focus my kiddos.  The lyrics—"You are not hidden/There's never been a moment/You were forgotten/You are not hopeless/Though you have been broken/Your innocence stolen/I hear you whisper underneath your breath/I hear your SOS, your SOS/I will send out an army to find you/In the middle of the darkest night/It's true, I will rescue you.” 

All the clichés—we’re all in this together.  This too shall pass.  It could be worse.  Be glad you have your health.  While I will not dismiss those powerful and true notions, I will also not deny the fear, loneliness and discouragement that seemed to always be nearby as I navigated the pandemic as a Mama.  There’s never been a moment they were forgotten.  But I bet they felt like it.  

I bet they felt forgotten as soccer seasons were truncated, as dance recitals went virtual and no one really got to see them in their costumes, performing routines they spent months and hours rehearsing.  I bet they didn’t feel like anyone was in this with them.  How could they?  We weren’t with people.  For the latter half of last school year, in-person classes stopped.  Dinners with friends—stopped.  Sleepovers—not happening.  Giggling with a friend in the backseat on the way to soccer practice—done.

Innocence stolen?  Yeah—I can’t even bring myself to fully tackle that idea.  I hear their SOS.  The begging for normal.  The despair over why things are the way they are.  The frustration over what they’re missing, and the determination to keep a stiff upper lip and address the current circumstances with a maturity beyond their years.  I watch my older daughter try to hold in tears and I want to, in the same breath, applaud her for not falling apart and also give her permission to crumble.  To let me rescue her.  Even if I’m not sure how.

As I listened to the words of these three songs, I convinced myself of two things.  The first—it’s no coincidence that these three songs played back to back to back.  Their messages piercing through my thoughts and helping them crystalize.  It kind of feels like the moment you read the fortune from your cookie and it seems eerily, perfectly spot on.  And second—my words, while far from perfect, profound or novel, are important…and so is sharing them. 

Many things about this week push me right back to what this week felt like last year.  The drive to the office that’s resumed again (though a new office; that’s another post!).  The weather—these teases of spring.  The longer days that mean bikes out in the cul-de-sac and driveways covered art.  The walks home from the bus stop.  I remember doing it all last year.  Before so much of it just stopped.

Writing it all down didn’t stop this day from coming.  It didn’t take the sadness away and it didn’t erase the apprehension that lingers.  Sure, it’s a little quieter these days.  But it’s still there, and I’m guessing it will be for some time.  Mixed in with the doubt and uncertainty is hope.  I suppose, as is true in many a circumstance, your energy flows where your focus goes.  I’ll do my best to give more attention to the hopefulness and the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

As I am reading this for the umpteenth time, I fire up my phone and hit PLAY on a playlist.  The first song?  Pink’s “Cover Me in Sunshine.” 

“Cover me in sunshine, shower me with good times.  Tell me that the world’s been spinning since the beginning and everything will be alright.”  Another cannot-be-a-coincidence moment.  I think I’ll turn it up, sing along and hear the words. 


Thanks for reading mine.

 xo,
Amy       

Love Is....

 ....gosh, it's a million things, isn't it?  

It's lazy Sundays, everyone quietly doing their own thing, but still enjoying being together in the same space.

It's vacation!  Big or small, planned or spontaneous, getting away and enjoying a change of scenery is a treasure.  

It's time apart, testing the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" adage.  And time apart leads to reunions, equally sweet.

Love is family and friends and friends who are family.  It's sitting quietly with someone who's hurting, praying that you can provide them with exactly what they need in that moment.  It's the weight of the trust you've earned to sit with their pain.

Love is a loud backyard full of kiddos and parents, picking up popsicle sticks and soggy towels after an impromptu pool party.  It's sharing pizza in the garage, trading snacks, books and advice and it's getting super excited when all the kids--not just yours--become proficient bike riders!

Love is fancy dinners at a restaurant or even in the dining room with the good china.  And love is eating a random hodgepodge of leftovers in the family room, on the floor while you watch hockey.

It's fighting and making up, talking and listening.  It's celebrating successes, even ones that aren't yours.  It's the unshakable notion that someone always has your back and the comfort that comes from knowing it's entirely mutual.

Love is crying with someone, laughing with someone, carrying secrets and cherishing truth.  It's taking your car to fill up the tank when you're simply too tired to do it yourself.  Love is filling the tub with warm water and Epsom salts, turning the lights down low and encouraging your daughter to please relax and let her worries melt away.

Love is staying up way too late on a "school night" to watch a movie, grabbing whatever moments you can grab as a couple.  Love is Christmas movies in the "off season" and ice cream in the winter.  It's cranking up the best song and singing and dancing until you're breathless.

It's baking and cooking and sharing the food.  It's a full house, rooms filled with laughter and guests who feel like they're at home.  It's having "a thing" that you only share with that one person; like finding "hidden" hearts or seeing the moon in the daytime.  It's a look that speaks volumes, a song lyric that just fits and love is showing up.

Love is hearing and listening, agreeing and arguing, it's respect, compassion and forgiveness.  Love is grace and joy, and sometimes hurt and sorrow.

Love is past, present and future all swirled together like a kaleidoscope you can't stop spinning.  Love is simple moments and grand gestures, it's loud and it's quiet.  Love takes your breath away and gives you strength immeasurable.

It's sharing goals and dreams and following your own.  It's incredibly common, yet exceptionally rare.  Love is prefect and imperfect, flawed and fabulous.  It's a promise and a privilege.

Valentine's Day may be a Hallmark holiday, may be too cheesy to bear. But if it does nothing but offer a moment to ponder what words come after "Love is..." that, in itself, is a gift as lovely as any chocolate, rose or piece of jewelry.  

xo,
Amy

   

Don't Pitch Those Bananas

You know the thing about fresh fruit?  Either you buy it and no one eats it or you're at the store 3-4 times a week to restock.  We're that way with bananas.  We'll blow through a bunch, hurry up and buy more only to watch them turn brown and mushy!  There seems to be no in between.

Fortunately, like darn near everyone during the pandemic, we're never short on recipes for banana bread.  I still don't totally get how or why that became a thing, but I'm not exactly arguing either.  Any excuse to use my new oven and make a mess in the kitchen---I'm in!  

Found this gem at Practically Homemade (Banana Crumb Cake Recipe | Practically Homemade) and it quickly became our go to version.  This is decidedly more cake than bread and definitely one of the many culprits of the "pants are too tight these days" saga that we lived for months. 

With today being Valentine's Day, an impending winter storm and a few perfectly "ruined" bananas on my counter, it seemed like a perfect moment to make this.

The kitchen, I have to tell you, smelled incredible while this was in the oven.  At least twice, the girls came in to see if it was ready---the smell was that enticing.

We quickly shared half with our neighbors (see earlier comment about pants being too tight...considering there's progress on that front, giving this away was a better choice than eating it all ourselves....though seriously tempting!) and popped the other half in the fridge.  

It's so delicious, warmed up just a smidgen in the microwave and enjoyed with a mug of tea.  I feel like I should give the other half away before I lose all willpower!

Hope you enjoy this yummy treat as well!

xo,
Amy

What You'll Need:

Batter

• 1/2 cup butter {softened}
• 1 cup sugar
• 3 ripe bananas {mashed} or about 1 1/4 cups
• 2 large eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• 1 1/2 cup flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt

Crumb Mixture

• 1/2 cup butter {softened}
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup flour
• 3/4 tsp cinnamon

What You'll Do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and lightly spray a 9x13 pan with non-stick spray. Set aside.

2. Combine softened butter and sugar in a bowl and beat until well combined.  I used a hand mixer but you can mix it by hand or with a stand mixer.  Add mashed bananas, eggs, vanilla and sour cream, mix to combine. 

3. Add flour, baking powder, salt and stir until just combined {don't over mix}.  Pour into the bottom of the greased 9x13 pan.

4. In a small bowl combine all of the crumb mixture ingredients.  Work the mixture together into small crumbs using a fork.  Don't over work the mixture or you will get a paste and it will change the texture of the bread.  Sprinkle the crumbs in an even and thick layer over the top of the banana bread batter.  Bake for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out with only a few moist crumbs or is clean.  Serve warm or cool and cover.  Store at room temperature for up to 3 days or pop it in the fridge.

Notes

•  Cake makes 12 large pieces of crumb cake.
• Make ahead and freeze for up to 3 months.
• Add 1/4 cup of chopped pecans to the crumb mixture for added taste and texture.

Making the Grade

It's been almost a week since January closed out.  A week post-No Senduary and Whole 30.  Almost a week to reflect and consider what grade we earned during the month.  I'm going to go with a solid A-.

Let's start with W30 and first acknowledge that we did it.  We freakin' did it!  We successfully completed another round of Whole 30 and we're actually still at it.  Where we were really strict--no grains, no alcohol, no dairy, no legumes.  Where we gave ourselves a little grace--I still had my Shakeology most days, mixed with water, acceptable fruit, some almond butter, spinach and ice.  We did enjoy white potatoes--one of those in/out good/bad, yes/no foods.  We didn't eat them daily, and we prepared them in W30-compliant ways.  We used scant amounts of flour here and there for recipes, but big picture--it wasn't an all-the-time thing.

I'm sitting here on February 6 having not consumed a single drop of alcohol since New Year's Eve.  Still no dairy---though to be honest, I learned that was a trigger food for me the last round of W30, so it's not a huge victory to be dairy free 6 days later.  I have had some sugar.  Miraculously, I've not eaten a single morsel of the chocolate that's in this house (including a newfound Mocha Chocolate Kit Kat that smells amazing!), but I did indulge (okay, over-indulge) in some gummy candies.  I got a case of "eat until it's gone-itis" and kept going back to the bag until it was empty.  Oye.  Not my finest moment(s) for sure.

Outside of that and a heavy hand in a bag of Buffalo Pretzel Twists (!!), we've maintained the W30 meal planning this week as well.  Our menu is made for next week and it's W30, too.  At this point, it feels pretty routine and we're not making ourselves crazy about it.

Add to all that a combined 22lb weight loss between the two of us so sticking with it seems really reasonable.  I mean, we've got goals we're working towards, and if this is helping, why stop?  I've said it before, and I'll say it again; it's a mindset.  We don't focus on the deprivation.  We don't focus on what's missing or what we can't have/do.  We look at the options we have, make the most of them and focus on the "finish line."

As for No Spenduary, ehhh.  Definitely didn't do as well with that aspect.  We did have a couple spends that didn't fall into the "gas/bills/groceries" buckets.  The good news is, since we're the ones making the rules (kind of like my post every Monday rule), we can call a do-over and go Spendless a couple days in February.  Or March for that matter.  Whatever.  I've actually considered having at least 2 No Spend Weekends a month for the rest of the year.   

Same as with W30, it's a mindset.  It's being thoughtful and deliberate about both the purchase(s) and the motivation behind it.  My purchases came late in the month and were 100% driven by going a little stir crazy, feeling stressed out and looking for a little retail therapy.  That said, I didn't go bonkers, buying for the sake of buying.  I grabbed a couple things we needed (but totally could have waited until February).  And I let myself off the hook, because guilt didn't need to be added to the equation.

Quick Tips:

1.  Have a plan--be prepared and consider challenges you may face so you don't react to them impulsively
2.  Have a partner--it's much easier and more fun to have a buddy along for the ride.  Plus it's built-in accountability!
3.  Have a goal--know WHY you're doing this and keep that front of mind through the month.  How are you measuring your success?  Use that as a barometer for the choices you make.
4.  Have faith--results won't come overnight, keep your WHY in mind and carry on!
5.  Have fun--this isn't meant to be drudgery or torture.  It's about growth and challenging ourselves to shine.

So it's a wrap.  An A- for our effort and results and a huge sense of pride for being disciplined.  Looking forward to what this month will bring and what we will bring to it! 

xo,
Amy

It's ALMOST February!

Confession time! I've broken my No Spenduary rule and I do believe I'm going to break it again tomorrow morning--I'll get back to that in a sec. It's gone REALLY, REALLY well for the vast majority of the month.

Aside from the purchase of appliances (yay, adulthood!) and our backsplash (finally!) which are (A) investments and (B) planned BEFORE No Spenduary started, the FIRST purchase I made was last weekend when we picked up a couple things for the girls at DSG Warehouse Store and Carter's---the shoes I found for Alyssa, a whopping $8, are so darn worth it. We also treated the girls to takeout on their Half Birthdays; it seemed like they could use an extra shot of happiness, and we were glad to oblige. Chipotle for Ab and Hello Bistro for Lyss...happy kiddos, happy parents. They were extra grateful, knowing that we weren't supposed to spend.

Today, I treated myself to a quick (literally, I was speed walking through the store, most likely looking like a total dork!) whirl through Old Navy where I scored a Valentine's Day dress for Alyssa ($7) a pair of shorts for Abby ($1), jeggings for Ab ($15) and leggings for both girls, $3 a pair!

Okay, yes--I broke my self-imposed rule HOWEVER....as is the case with Whole 30, this was as much a mental exercise as it was anything else. This was about discipline and mindfulness, making thoughtful decisions instead of shopping out of habit or reflex. The results speak for themselves--looking at my bank account and the inactivity in there makes me smile.

As for W30, there've been no cheats*---even on my birthday yesterday. I mean, being THIS close to the end of the month, and being SUPER stubborn, I really wanted to see it through. The results we're seeing are pretty great motivators, too! How am I planning to break the rules again tomorrow morning? Ordering breakfast. Oooh, getting crazy, right? When I mentioned that this was as much mental as anything, I realized something---these sacrifices are about resetting habits, but they aren't the only barometer of mood/happiness. Yes, we both feel better...for the most part. Yesterday, for my Birthday, some of my dearest friends surprised me with a quick visit. I knew I missed my people, but I didn't know just how much until they were in my kitchen, my stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing and my heart was overflowing with joy and gratitude. We've been so focused on taking care of our physical well-being, between W30ing, working out and steering clear of COVID, we sorta lost track of how we're feeling mentally. I felt immeasurably better yesterday getting a sliver of time with my friends**. So tomorrow morning, Mark and I are going to order takeout breakfast from a new local joint. We're going to support their business, we're going to eat some yummy food (W30 approved!) and we're going to make an adventure out of running to pick it up. And we'll focus on the time we're spending, not the dime. And we won't feel one ounce of guilt over breaking the rules with this one!

There may be only three more days in the month, but the habits (and results!) will carry over into February and beyond. When you've got goals, ya know....put in the effort to get the results. I'll share a "final" recap next week. Until then---take good care of YOU!

xo, Amy

*I define cheats as breaking the rules in a big way. A glass of wine, eating dessert, having a handful (uhhh, bowl!) of Cheez Its...that kind of thing. NOT the "forbidden" Lara bar or the scant amount of real flour used in a recipe. You say justification, I say reasonable expectation. **Masked, socially-distanced, proper!