Mixed Messages

Earlier this month, I wrote of mixed emotions. Today, it’s mixed messages.  I remember being in high school, standing in line at the grocery store with my Mom, my eyes scanning the covers of the magazines in the racks.  The headlines seemed to fight with each other, urging the reader to “Find 10 Ways to Lose 10lbs in a Week, page 25” while simultaneously suggesting they should make “The World’s Most Decadent Chocolate Cake, page 44.”  Huh?  Do you think those things seem to cancel one another out---or is it just me?  “Train to Run a Marathon, page 36” followed by “How to Embrace Relaxation, page 68.”  Makes.  No.  Sense.

So it’s really no wonder that I feel that very same push and pull now.  Especially now. 

Work hard, move ahead.  Take it easy, there’s no prize for being overworked and frazzled. 

Spend time with your kids.  Give them space to do their own thing. 

Stay busy, keep yourself and your kids entertained.  Be lazy, do nothing—every now and then. 

The moments fly by.  The days can sometimes seem so long. 

Don’t lose your cool.  Be human, lose your cool--and then apologize. 

Make time for yourself and your needs—self-care.  Don’t be selfish.

Don’t ask too much of your kids, they’re just kids.  Create and provide opportunities for your kids to embrace and learn independence. 

Give them a break.  Give them consequences. 

Encourage your older child to include your younger child.  Encourage your younger child to be okay with not being included all the time. 

Send them to Nunnie’s for a sleepover.  Keep them home, you don’t see them enough as it is. 

My.  Head.  Is.  Spinning.  Truly and maddeningly, my head is spinning from the competing messages that are swirling around.  Now, I know that all these mixed messages are not “all or nothing” scenarios, right?  They’re not black and white, not one or the other always.  Yet sometimes, in the moment, they feel very much like they are.  Like I’m forced to make a choice and that choice is going to stick---maybe longer than I want it to. 

Saying yes to one sleepover at Nunnie’s doesn’t mean the girls are there every single weekend forever.  It means this time, this weekend, this invitation---just this one.  For now.  And the next one that comes? We’ll address that one then.  In its own time.  Oh, and by the way---they won’t always want to go, my parents won’t always be up for sleepovers and having 1x1 time with Mark sans kids every now and again is every single bit as important as hanging out as a family.  Facts.  Which only seem to muddy the waters more.  I want to send them.  I want to not send them.  Oye.

It’s the same at work, too.  Moments of confidence and satisfaction bleed into moments where Imposter Syndrome weighs me down like an anchor. 

Be patient, do the right things—it will come.  Hurry up, do more, what have you done lately, where are the results? 

Give yourself and your Team grace, these are challenging times.  Keep innovating, what’s new, what’s next?

Today’s work will bring tomorrow’s results.  There’s no time to wait, make things happen.

You’re too hard on yourself.  You’re not hard enough on yourself.

You are enough.  You are falling short, Aim.

I want to stay at my desk, super focused on my work but I also want to step away to pick up my daughters from the bus stop.  Isn’t that one of the best things about working from home, anyway?  The ability to take 7 minutes to walk or drive up to the bus stop so yours can be the first face they see when they get off the bus? 

Think about it—if I was in the office, I would likely spend far more than 7 minutes in a day chatting with a colleague about vacations or the latest episode of whatever show is all the rage.  Right?  And yet, too many times, when that hour rolls around, I don’t stop what I’m doing---because that push and pull tells me that I have to work hard—which, shamefully I have equated to not taking a break.  Ridiculous.  And my girls rank second to that?  Not a chance.  Yet my actions say otherwise. 

After a crazy long day—either in the office or at home—sometimes I struggle to switch gears and find the energy to be all the things my kids need.  It’s as if all my needing has been used up by everyone else.  How unfair is that?  That the girls and Mark should get what’s left of me, versus the best of me?  Shameful.  But it’s real.  And sometimes I tell myself that it’s okay that they’re playing together or reading quietly---that I am not solely responsible for their entertainment.  But why not save some energy to make dinnertime a little more fun (especially on those magical nights when we can eat together as a family!) and turn the family room into a spa or the living room into a dance club.  The push and pull shows up—telling me to make sure they do their chores, practice soccer, get homework done and get showers….but isn’t there---shouldn’t there be---room for both? 

Chill out when you’re done working, Amy.  Nope, keep the energy up and switch from Work Mode to Mom Mode in 10 seconds or less.

Take time for yourself at the end of the day.  Nope, the girls and Mark need you, so step up!

It’s January 27—we have 4 more days in No Spenduary.  You know the drill; we start off the year with a full month of no spending.  We pay our bills, buy groceries and gas.  Nothing extra.  It’s totally normal to be weary at this point of the adventure.  We haven’t eaten out---even when there are awesome report cards and half birthdays to celebrate.  We haven’t gone shopping, not even online.  It’s a great experiment, and it is entirely self-imposed.  And yet, the push and pull.  If we’re the ones making the rules, does it really matter if we bend them?  I mean, no one told us we had to do this---so no one can tell us we’re “wrong” or tell us we broke the rules.  Yes, integrity, commitment, accountability and all that.  Yes. 

Also yes?  Having a spur of the moment drive thru Starbucks because you have a few extra minutes of 1x1 time with your kiddo and you love the sparkle in her eye and the ear-to-ear smile she gets when she takes that first sip of a frappuccino.  Or popping into Target after soccer practice to glimpse springy things, maybe pick up a little treat and momentarily chase away the winter blahs.  

Stubbornness be damned—live for the moments, create joy and embrace spontaneity.  

Stick with your plan, the commitment you made.  Your wallet will thank you.  

Push.  Pull.

Don’t even get me started on the pandemic aspect of the push and pull.  Add that to the list, the long and complicated list of back and forth-ing that happens in my mind and on my heart.  Feeling waves of uncertainty—not only in what’s happening…that we can’t exactly control…but in terms of what I should do at any given moment.  That’s where the true pit in the stomach, lump in the throat emotion of it all rests, heavy and present.  Very present.

I’m certain that I’m not the only overthinker in the bunch.  Raise your hand if you also feel the push and pull of mixed messages.  It’s real, isn’t it?  Just when I think I’ve got the hang of not overthinking, I start to overthink whether or not I really do have it figured out.  And I’m right back where I started.  That's fun.

There may not be a CTRL-ALT-DEL sequence of keys to restart our brains the way we would a computer, but there are keys nevertheless.  Here are a couple that I’ve found:

1.      1.  Talk to a friend who gets you, gets your particular brand of crazy and helps redirect you.  Be open to what that friend is going to tell you, because chances are it will feel a bit impossible to your overthinking brain.

2.      2.  Quickly, without thinking (ha!) much, jot down 3-5 things for which you’re grateful or that bring you joy.  Read the list a handful of times, really feeling the joy that each item on the list evokes.  Feel it.  Remember it.  Let it overwhelm you---in a good way.

3.      3.  Set a goal of creating at least one joyful moment today.  Big, small, solo or with others—what matters most is that you embrace the sense of joyfulness.

4.      4.  Remind yourself that you don’t have to pay attention to all of the messages.  Give yourself permission to focus only on what serves you and tune out the rest.

5.      5.  Take a break.  A real, honest to goodness, do nothing, think nothing break.  And realize that the world will still spin while you press pause and give yourself the gift of resetting.  Realize, too, that you do and are more than enough and should give yourself a little more credit than you do!

If you’ve found your own keys, please share.  In the meantime, know that you’re not alone, Friend.  The push and pull is real---but so is the power of community and friendship and connected energy that’s directed the right way.  Deep breaths.

xo,
Amy

Mixed Emotions

I think this will be a Christmas I reflect on with mixed emotions.  Last year was The COVID Christmas.  We knew what to expect without ever having done anything quite like it before.  We knew we couldn’t be together with family and friends, we knew we had to rely on FaceTime to offer a blessing and a toast.  We just knew.  We didn’t like it, but we knew.  We buckled down and did The Right Thing

Then came Christmas 2021.  Somehow this year seemed harder and more uncertain.  The rules—fluid all the while---seemed even more arbitrary and our resolve was waning big time.  We gathered with guarded joy in our hearts.  Our hugs, fierce and tight also felt a bit inappropriate or "dangerous."  There was laughter and singing and the brave return of traditions that had been put on hold or at least altered.  Still, concerns over a new variant, another surge and breakthrough cases lurked and chewed at our consciousness.  Had The Right Thing been enough?  Are our vaccines and boosters enough?  Did we stay in enough—and did we go out enough, determined to create some sense of normal without being reckless.

There was a hard conversation about church.  We’ve not been to church in some time—something that I’m both ashamed to admit and sad to say.  Church is an important part of our family.  We may not be the most religious people, we might be hard pressed to quote scripture or properly place a chapter and verse, but we have faith and find great comfort and peace when we attend services.  We chose not to attend Christmas Eve service as we’ve done for years.  It simply didn’t feel safe.  Another example of the COVID tug-of-war.  There’s guilt over not going to church.  On Christmas Eve!  Then there’s the  confidence that we were making our best decision.  I believe that God is always listening and God understands.  I carved out time during Christmas Eve to have a heart-to-heart with God, and felt that familiar peace and comfort.  He understands. 

Yes, this is a Christmas of mixed emotions—not all of which were COVID-related.  Slippers & Sprinkles returned-for Alyssa (Abby politely declined), we finally got matching family jammies-Abby's request!! and somehow we ended up having F O U R trees in our house!  Lots of mixed emotions about that.

This was the first Christmas that Abby was fully in the know.  I wrote, last year, about being certain that Abby was playing a game of Santa Chicken with me. Did she know?  Did I know that she knew?  Did she know that I knew that she knew?  Regardless, 2021 was the year that Abby became a Magic Maker.

Abby embraced her new role with pride and enthusiasm—and a sweetness that made my Mama heart nearly burst.  She carefully plotted antics and hiding spots for Ozzie the Elf, shot conspiratorial winks and flashed thumbs up my way when I pulled off some sort of magical moment of my own and even convinced Alyssa to join Santa for a Zoom call by plunking herself down on the bench first.  Watching her joy took the sting out of the inescapable reality that she’s growing up.  Watching her delight in creating Christmas excitement for Alyssa was better than any gift under the tree or in a stocking.

This was the last Christmas we’ll spend at 4619—my parents’ home.  The home we moved into on a first day of school (what were they thinking!?), the home that was my base during tumultuous high school years, college breaks and when I moved home from North Carolina.  That home even became a place for Mark and I to stay while our own home was being built—what an adventure!  My parents are embarking on a new adventure, building another home just a few miles away.  So there were no arguments about staying just a little longer, there were a few extra pictures taken with the tree and longer than normal moments lingering in the dining room.  Leave the thing, take the memory.  Tucked firmly in my heart, the memories are forever—even when someone else calls that house home.

Christmas of 2021 also brought a much needed, self-prescribed Facebook Fast.  Not only did I take days off of work, but I took days off of social media as well.  It was heavenly.  To those who shared birthdays, anniversaries or other milestones I missed during that time, failing to comment on or like the post, may I please send a heartfelt wish of peace and love now---however belated it may be.      

Comparison is the thief of joy; I’m not sure who said that, originally, but I lean on those words pretty often.  It’s far too easy to get sucked into the trap of comparing yourself to others—and no matter if you feel like you’re on the top or the bottom of that assessment, it’s never fun, it never feels good.

So no, I didn’t post 284938490 pictures of Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas Day.  I took them, to be sure—many with my phone and just as many if not more with my heart.  Sure, that sounds cliché or corny, but it’s the truth.  As someone who really struggles with the holidays, I’ve learned that staying present and focusing on what’s happening at the moment helps a lot.  Watching, listening, letting go of expectations---that helps, too.  Sets a good example for the girls, too.  Especially on December 24 and 25, nothing else matters more than being fully present with and for them.

The New Year is just days new, and the mixed emotions of Christmas are lingering.  There are familiar pangs of sadness when I consider how quickly time is going, and there are hopeful glimpses of what can be in a brand new set of 365 days.  There’s quiet reflection on goals accomplished (and not) in 2021 and bubbly conversation about what we’ll tackle in 2022.  Maybe mixed emotions aren’t something to worry about, but something to embrace and own.  Or maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to have mixed emotions about mixed emotions.

Either way, my wish is that your mix of emotions includes plenty of the good stuff.  Not only during the holidays, but throughout the entire new year ahead.

xo,
Amy