The choice I'm facing now is, do I lean into this whole "Christmas is going to be super different this year" thing and embrace all that means or do I try really hard to maintain as much of the tradition as I can? As I've done a zillion times since this pandemic began, I'm arguing with myself, convincing myself of one thing and then contradicting myself right into another point of view. It's maddening, if I'm honest.
Just as maddening, the realization that this year, there will be no holiday concert for chorus, no Christmas program, no joining Alyssa as she writes her letter to Santa at school, no whirlwind trip to Chicago (requested after last year's Christmas adventure in NYC), no visit to see Santa and no Girls Day Out for a special Christmas treat. So how to balance?
On one hand, I want to spend a whole weekend baking tons of cookies, old and new recipes, testing and tasting as we go. The bigger the mess, the better. The Christmas music blaring, silly Santa hats on our heads and counters being overrun with cooling racks and piles of sweet treats.
I want to do that, but then I think about how there won't be a cookie exchange, there won't be a crowded dining room table vying for first crack at a beautiful serving tray filled with cookies. There won't be rubbermaid containers filled with cookies secretly tucked into the backseat of my in-laws car for them to discover when they get home. I'm not even sure the local ambulance station will take homemade goods this year. So why bake so much?
On one hand, I want to make the dining room all fancy and pretty and special. And believe me when I tell you, we eat in there pretty often, so it's not like it's an "only for special occasions" room. But will it be too sad to eat Christmas dinner there when it's the four of us and no one else? Again, believe me when I tell you that I am not minimizing my three heartbeats and the value in us being together. I only wonder if the heaviness of who isn't there will be lightened somewhat if we eat in the family room instead. On the floor. While wearing our PJs. And watching a Christmas movie. But make no mistake--we'll still use our Christmas china!
Maybe this is the year we do it all differently. Embrace the "nothing's the same" vibe. Maybe the girls stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve, search the skies for Santa and take turns reading 'Twas The Night Before Christmas out loud before opening just ONE present. I don't know?!
Or maybe we keep it the same--sorta. Maybe we have (via Zoom) our Christmas Eve Brunch with Mark's family in the morning, go to (via Zoom) Church services as the sun sets and light (our own) candles as we sing Silent Night. Maybe we have dinner with my parents and sister (via FaceTime)while somehow (executing a virtual version of) breaking Oplatek (Christmas wafer), and tuck the girls in at a "normal" hour.
Maybe this is the year Santa goes all out because the kiddos have had a rough, rough year. Or maybe it's the year Santa scales back because we've all learned that often simplicity is where the richness really lives?
Eenie, Meenie, Miney Moe. I can honestly make the case for each of the aforementioned "this or thats." Just when I make a plan or come to a decision, I rethink it and then overthink it and come up with a different decision. Tons of fun.
One decision I'm glad I don't have to make is to be JOYful! My girls are awesome examples of that and I'm trying to soak it in, capture it all and save it in a jar if I can. It's magical to watch them hunt for Ozzie (our Elf) every morning. It's amazing to hear their conversations with him and with each other.
It's incredible to think that Abby still believes (or is playing Chicken with me, almost daring me to level with her) and helps Alyssa embrace all that that means. It's a delight to see the girls take turns ripping a link off of the paper countdown chain and shout out how many days are left until Santa comes.
It's fun to see the lights, put up our own and say YES to some extra decorations this time around---three trees, swags on the windows and more garland? Oh sure, why not?! And while I may be on the "less is more" train, it was impossible to refuse the requests and even more impossible to not be moved by the girls' reactions to the finished product.
We have family, who, though separated, are healthy. We have technology that will help bridge the gap between us. We have a warm, safe home. We have jobs. We have food to eat and drinks to drink (Amen!). We have go with the flow kiddos who will help shape Christmas 2020 and we've got just enough magic to make it still feel special.
Perhaps Christmas will be a hybrid of the options. Maybe we bake--just not 89,348,347 kinds of cookies. Maybe we eat in the dining room--just in our jammies! Maybe we end up starting a whole new tradition that, years from now, we'll reflect on how it all began.
I guess, even if I Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, I can only lose if I see it that way. So here's to making the very best out of the choices you're presented with this year. Whether they're choices you get to make or ones made for you by circumstances, put it all in perspective, cry if you must, then look for the magic. It's there. It really is.
xo,
Amy
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