What I was not prepared for was the statement that Pete made (like how I used his first name only, as if it's like that!?) about being authentic to yourself. He talked of doing things that people can believe you would do. It was in the context of interacting with fans through social media. But it jumped out at me.
If you know the format on Howard's channels, they repeat the show. Somehow I managed to catch this interview, this exact part, on three separate occasions. Someone was really trying to get to me...point made, message received.
Why it resonated with me (aside from the fact that I felt that it must be directed towards me since I heard it three times!!) is because lately I've felt like I've been competing with someone---an invisible someone, a someone I created (clearly to stress myself out).
I found myself trying so hard to do things that other people were doing. I found myself falling into the comparison trap---what an ugly place that is!---and struggling to see my own behaviors as worthwhile or valuable. And not in a dark way, but in a "that's not enough" way. Or "that's not what so-and-so is doing." Yuck. I got caught up trying to do things I thought I should do or thought others expected me to do.
Never expected to hear wisdom from Pete Wentz, I mean---I'm not one of those celebrity fan crazy people. I don't hang on the very words they utter or keep tabs on their marriages, divorces, mansions etc. I was listening because I think Howard does a great interview. And here comes this simple but knock-me-over advice that struck a chord.
I would venture to guess that I'm not alone in that sensation. The one that creeps up on you and slowly alters your behavior in subtle ways that you don't notice initially. Then you look up and realize you're doing or saying things that aren't really you.
For me, being "less than authentic" came in the form of not being honest with people who really care about me. I was stressed out (who isn't?) and I was hiding it instead of sharing it. I got wrapped up in not being "Debbie Downer" so I put on a smile, prayed for (and usually found) perspective and carried on about my day. It was exhausting. I was carrying the stress AND the energy to hide the stress (is this ridiculous or what?) so no one would know. And then I'd get irritated that no one was offering to help me. Well duh...I was giving off the "I've got this, I'm fine" signal---why would anyone think to help me? I mean, come on!
Anyway, I had a couple soul-bearing conversations with some very dear friends who helped me to see that (A) I was, in fact, being ridiculous and (B) asking and/or receiving a little help now and then does not make me a weak, incapable human being. It makes me a human being. Didn't Barbara Streisand sing a whole song about people needing people? I digress.
Being authentic to myself, doing things that people would expect me to do can mean many things. It can mean being the cheerful optimist. It can mean being real about needing a helping hand or a pick-me-up. It can mean stepping away when things seem to be too much. It can mean opening up conversations about things that ignite my passion--even if it seems clunky initially. It means saying NO to things that don't matter to ME and yes to those that do.
Whatever shape it takes, the important thing is that my voice is true, my intentions are clear and AMY gets to shine through. When my blog was just a "baby" I received one of the best compliments. "Amy," my friend said, "Your posts are so great because I can read them and it's as if you're sitting next to me telling the story. I can hear your voice."
I want to get back to that. Get back to my voice---saying what's true and right and me. Since my blog is intended to be an extension of my life, this seems like as good a place as any to start. What do you think? Let me hear YOUR true voice.
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