Sometimes I Forget

Oh, that’s hard to admit.  So hard.  Because I like to think that I always know this.  It’s one simple truth that I should know.  We should all know it.  Right? 
But the reality is, sometimes I forget.  And, even worse, every now and again, I’m not so sure I believe it.  Horrified gasps, I know!  From myself, too.  In fact, I almost didn’t write this blog because I’m that uncomfortable admitting to this.  But hey, I’m putting it out there.

I take pride in being a positive person, someone who looks for solutions, rather than simply complaining.  I like sharing an encouraging word as often as I can.  I love (you well know this by now!) motivational quotes and plaster those puppies all over the place.  It's not an act.  It's not putting on a show for others to see.  It's who I am.  And sometimes, who I cannot be.  And that's okay.  Because when life is good, but I forget, I'm blessed that there are things, people and moments of pure beauty and joy to remind me.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to get back to my gratitude journal.  Well, 3 months into the new year, the journal is more of a metal list that I write whenever I feel the need.  I “write” while I sit in traffic, while I’m driving to an appointment, while I’m in the elevator, while I have lunch…whenever, wherever I can.  It’s a helpful exercise to keep (or regain) perspective and realize that there are heck of a lot of things that put a smile on my face.  Even the act of doing this puts a smile on my face, because sometimes the happy thoughts are as silly as they are profound.  Good hair day?  Smile!!  Close a $65,000 sponsor?  Smile!!  No traffic on the way into work?  Smile!!  Feeling Sprout's* kicks?  Smile!!

But see, there’s the flip side.  The side I don’t like.  Don’t like talking about it, don’t like going there, don’t like owning it.  There are plenty of things that hurt my heart, leave me feeling hollow and achy and bring on a sadness that can be hard to shake.  In those moments, I try really hard to go to that place of gratitude, but it doesn’t always work.  It’s not as easy as flipping to page 34 in my mental journal and admiring the picture of the amazing rainbow we saw while at the baseball game.  It should be.  I’d love for it to be.  But the truth is, sometimes, while life is, in fact, good…I just forget for a moment. 

It’s easy to open a whole new journal and start scribbling down the negatives.  The crappy stuff.  The dark news that casts a shadow over my day.  Awful story on TV about a Mom killing two of her three children, ages 3 and 6?  Scribble.  Friend diagnosed with cancer at age 31?  Scribble.  Cousin’s Dad dying?  Scribble.  Lost my temper with Abby because I was tired?  Scribble.  How on EARTH is life good when you deal with that kind of stuff?

Here's the trick; how can both journals co-exist?  I mean, they do...but how?  I find myself puzzling over something troublesome and in the next breath, berating myself for not being grateful for the amazing things that do exist.  The "I feel like a schmuck" feeling piles on top of whatever the troublesome thing is and before you know it; SPIRAL!   

I'm moping because my boss is acting like an idiot, while there's a Mom sitting in a hospital room praying for a donor heart for her baby.  What a jerk.  Ticked off because I'm running a few minutes late because Abby couldn't decide which of her beloved friends to take to Nunny's this morning, while there are all those families, with loved ones on the Malaysian flight, who have no closure, no answers.  Yeah, you've really got it bad, Aim!  I'm guessing you've done this dance a time or two as well.  It ain't fun, am I right? 

Life is good.  And yes, sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I dwell in the ugly place where things are awful and no one cares and I might as well just stay in bed all day.  I mean, mentally anyway.  Sometimes I allow work frustrations to get the better of me or thoughtless people's rude behavior occupy far too much of my mind.  Sometimes I forget that I'm allowed to want (and ask for!) encouragement or support, too.  Sometimes. 

Life is good.  And sometimes--more often than not--I remember! I remember how amazing my daughter's little body feels, snuggled up to mine, her soft hands tangled in my hair as she sucks her thumb and sighs in her sleep.  I remember how inspiring my friend is, pushing forward in total defiance of a cancer diagnosis, seeming to dare everyone around her to be just as strong in the process.  I remember that I've been married for 10 years to my best friend and the one I can always count on to love me unconditionally---yes, even when I'm in that dark, ugly place.  I remember that I'm blessed with my health and that of my immediate family. 

This blog post has been written and re-written a zillion times.  Saved as a draft, deleted and restarted.  It was both impossible and easy to write.  And now it's out there.  It's not the prettiest side, but it's real and it's me.  Sometimes.  I guess, in the end, it's helpful to admit that life is good..and sometimes I forget.  Because you can't forget something you don't know, right?  So maybe I do know this simple truth after all?!

*Sprout is my bambino; currently 24 weeks.  16 to go until I meet this wonder!