Mixed Emotions

I think this will be a Christmas I reflect on with mixed emotions.  Last year was The COVID Christmas.  We knew what to expect without ever having done anything quite like it before.  We knew we couldn’t be together with family and friends, we knew we had to rely on FaceTime to offer a blessing and a toast.  We just knew.  We didn’t like it, but we knew.  We buckled down and did The Right Thing

Then came Christmas 2021.  Somehow this year seemed harder and more uncertain.  The rules—fluid all the while---seemed even more arbitrary and our resolve was waning big time.  We gathered with guarded joy in our hearts.  Our hugs, fierce and tight also felt a bit inappropriate or "dangerous."  There was laughter and singing and the brave return of traditions that had been put on hold or at least altered.  Still, concerns over a new variant, another surge and breakthrough cases lurked and chewed at our consciousness.  Had The Right Thing been enough?  Are our vaccines and boosters enough?  Did we stay in enough—and did we go out enough, determined to create some sense of normal without being reckless.

There was a hard conversation about church.  We’ve not been to church in some time—something that I’m both ashamed to admit and sad to say.  Church is an important part of our family.  We may not be the most religious people, we might be hard pressed to quote scripture or properly place a chapter and verse, but we have faith and find great comfort and peace when we attend services.  We chose not to attend Christmas Eve service as we’ve done for years.  It simply didn’t feel safe.  Another example of the COVID tug-of-war.  There’s guilt over not going to church.  On Christmas Eve!  Then there’s the  confidence that we were making our best decision.  I believe that God is always listening and God understands.  I carved out time during Christmas Eve to have a heart-to-heart with God, and felt that familiar peace and comfort.  He understands. 

Yes, this is a Christmas of mixed emotions—not all of which were COVID-related.  Slippers & Sprinkles returned-for Alyssa (Abby politely declined), we finally got matching family jammies-Abby's request!! and somehow we ended up having F O U R trees in our house!  Lots of mixed emotions about that.

This was the first Christmas that Abby was fully in the know.  I wrote, last year, about being certain that Abby was playing a game of Santa Chicken with me. Did she know?  Did I know that she knew?  Did she know that I knew that she knew?  Regardless, 2021 was the year that Abby became a Magic Maker.

Abby embraced her new role with pride and enthusiasm—and a sweetness that made my Mama heart nearly burst.  She carefully plotted antics and hiding spots for Ozzie the Elf, shot conspiratorial winks and flashed thumbs up my way when I pulled off some sort of magical moment of my own and even convinced Alyssa to join Santa for a Zoom call by plunking herself down on the bench first.  Watching her joy took the sting out of the inescapable reality that she’s growing up.  Watching her delight in creating Christmas excitement for Alyssa was better than any gift under the tree or in a stocking.

This was the last Christmas we’ll spend at 4619—my parents’ home.  The home we moved into on a first day of school (what were they thinking!?), the home that was my base during tumultuous high school years, college breaks and when I moved home from North Carolina.  That home even became a place for Mark and I to stay while our own home was being built—what an adventure!  My parents are embarking on a new adventure, building another home just a few miles away.  So there were no arguments about staying just a little longer, there were a few extra pictures taken with the tree and longer than normal moments lingering in the dining room.  Leave the thing, take the memory.  Tucked firmly in my heart, the memories are forever—even when someone else calls that house home.

Christmas of 2021 also brought a much needed, self-prescribed Facebook Fast.  Not only did I take days off of work, but I took days off of social media as well.  It was heavenly.  To those who shared birthdays, anniversaries or other milestones I missed during that time, failing to comment on or like the post, may I please send a heartfelt wish of peace and love now---however belated it may be.      

Comparison is the thief of joy; I’m not sure who said that, originally, but I lean on those words pretty often.  It’s far too easy to get sucked into the trap of comparing yourself to others—and no matter if you feel like you’re on the top or the bottom of that assessment, it’s never fun, it never feels good.

So no, I didn’t post 284938490 pictures of Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas Day.  I took them, to be sure—many with my phone and just as many if not more with my heart.  Sure, that sounds cliché or corny, but it’s the truth.  As someone who really struggles with the holidays, I’ve learned that staying present and focusing on what’s happening at the moment helps a lot.  Watching, listening, letting go of expectations---that helps, too.  Sets a good example for the girls, too.  Especially on December 24 and 25, nothing else matters more than being fully present with and for them.

The New Year is just days new, and the mixed emotions of Christmas are lingering.  There are familiar pangs of sadness when I consider how quickly time is going, and there are hopeful glimpses of what can be in a brand new set of 365 days.  There’s quiet reflection on goals accomplished (and not) in 2021 and bubbly conversation about what we’ll tackle in 2022.  Maybe mixed emotions aren’t something to worry about, but something to embrace and own.  Or maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to have mixed emotions about mixed emotions.

Either way, my wish is that your mix of emotions includes plenty of the good stuff.  Not only during the holidays, but throughout the entire new year ahead.

xo,
Amy